Friday, May 18, 2012

Friendship and psychophobia

‘Hello’, I popped into room, he replies back quickly -hello there. I got used with him now, I can't joke with him properly but i want to, smile to him and want to share with him sometimes. But he seems like he doesn’t care, so what? I don’t have to worry about it, he listens and some time he doesn't, he makes little tiny replies in between like yes, uh.. huh...hmn....ok which makes our conversation more interesting.

I still remember the first day I met him at Costa coffee South harrow, I was already there drinking hot chocolate. He entered into with wet thick brown jacket and big jumbo boot and round his eyes to have a sit but there all the sits were already full. One sit was left nearby me. "Excuse me, may I sit here with you please" his husky but sweet sound catch me up, "Oh sure, why not" I made him bit space tidy up my mess and just let him sit. "Thank you" he mumbled and sits down. I didn't care him and I really shouldn't need to care too. He order one Capachino and some cookies, I was nearly finish my hot chocolate but the environment was so peaceful, background music was so nice that's why I also enjoying with "Jeeban Kanda ki Full" by Jhamak Ghimire. I knew, he was staring at my book cover with full of queries in his eyes which was in my hand. Though i didn't care him really, I just keep on reading. "It's your Capachino and cookies sir, enjoy! " waiter came with big smile and gave him his stuff. "Thank you" he started to drink his coffee and bite cookies. Still he was looking a chance to speak with me and he made a good plane. "Cookies please" he was holding a plate of cookies. I was sucked, I never ever aspect from white people share a things with unknown people like that. "No thank you" I just replied with formality. "Which language you are reading?" now he open the door to speak with me. "Oh it's Nepali" I replied. "Oh so you are from Nepal?" he added a tail at question. 'Yes!' I replied shortly. "Is she the writer on the cover?" "Yes! She is great differently able person in our county, she can't speak with her voice, she can't walk with her own leg, she can't work with her both hand though she can write an article by her left leg" I gave short introduction about Jhamak to him. He wondered hearing me, his eyes rolled unknowingly and spoke out "OMG is it real?" I smiled and replied "do you think i'm joking? " Shortly he spoke "No, no i didn't mean that but i never heard like this before that's why it's really hard to believe for me". He smiled "By the way, I'm Myathue and you?" He introduces himself being formal and game his hand to shake with me.
Then start our friendship journey from unknown to be close friend. One day I was chatting in his room with his niece sally. He just entered switched the light on and suddenly I heard his panic voice, sort of like shouting. He didn't know we are chatting and really didn't care about us. He was on top of restlessness, looking for something around, his hands moved around I saw, didn’t get a clue what is he looking for? And he was shouting something, I couldn’t even understand, I imagined I heard something ‘away’ few times. Suddenly felt to say him "hi" but he just ran out before my mouth open without speaking even his sally.

Another day I entered into room without knocking his door as like before, Myathue was laying down at sofaa. "Hey Matt, what's up?" I said but he didn't responded to me, but thought he didn’t like me coming straight after knocking on his door and I turned round, banged the door slamming shut and in a second I was out. I was feeling like he is being change then before. My colleague saw me, are you okay? He questioned, I smiled, panting actually, ‘yes’. That evening sally calls me and said he was suffering from Psychophobia but I didn’t realize how bad it is or perhaps I didn’t know what Psychophobia is, though I thought I knew. Suddenly sweat ran over my forehead and dropped through side of ears. I was frightened to be honest, frightened as if I have done a huge mistake knowingly.

But today is bit different, I know him, at least I know about his diseases. He smile, opening the corton so slowly and trying not to put the light on. I feel strange, when I see him putting the marballs and small stones on the table nearby him and when we knock the door, he gets ready with those stones and his sitting room always dark with covered with thick corton, like stone age crawled back in again. I commented eventually, ‘you looked happy today’, in return he says-- I am always happy, especially when you came. He is behaving as normal - phewww. I remembered last week his nices told me- Matheu likes you, you know, he enjoys your presence. I went imagining, could be. I tried to look at him; his white body and brown eyes twinkled for a minute.

Most of the time, I laugh and speak loudly like crack. I hate silences and there was dead silence. But thinking the words of sally I was starting to panic. Omg! What happen if he really falls in love with me? He didn’t say anything and I couldn’t find a topic to speak. I looked around if in case I find something to talk about. I saw a picture in deem light, his white face with his ex wife and son. I felt uneasy; I knew I didn’t want to talk about his personal life, especially past personal. I looked around again, I saw big thick diary, which was Dusty. And unknowingly, I asked him, ‘that diary?’ he turn his head and stopped for a minute, might be thinking he doesn’t want to tell me what I wanting to know so he waits for me to finish the question, or I have no idea, it is so hard to tell, cause I can’t see in deem light, I hate darkness. I wished I could take all the corton off and make the room dazzle. I wanted to make clear his panic off. Then he spoke out- yes that is my personal diary and this diary is a reminiscence of my ex wife, there is our love story before marry. ‘Was’, I felt horrific, I regret why did I ask him, ‘those were a memorable days for me, does that mean she doesn’t care anymore?’ I don’t know what I wanted to know, I went asking again.

Umn, he mumbled. Actually she came to see me once after leaving me -he answered. I smiled, so love is still there, I felt relieved. But he has gone again in silence. Few minutes later said, now she lives at cherry land with her new boy friend, they are getting married this June - he continued. My smile faded within a second. I am not good at passion, I knew I was going to hurt him again and still I carried on asking. Suddenly I felt frustrated, I cursed my lack of knowledge, thought why I asked him and pinch him again. I wanted to know why she left him before and why she came to see him again. What was the reason of breaking up after having a son? Is the reason of psychophobia or he caught by psychophobia after his break up? But I stopped myself and felt it's better to close the chapter here and I pretended to pick up my phone up.

Nowadays, I am hurting people unknowingly, whatever I say, and my friends suggested that to be more polite. One of my friends said, you are so careless, don’t consider other’s pain so your sounds like so rude why? I felt sick, sick of being myself, suddenly I felt, I should go now. Yes I should be off the room, in case I hurt his feelings again then I can't stayed alive. My imaginations stops and my attention dragged to him, he wasn’t to be seen, suddenly I scared of him too, scared of hurting him because he is suffering from psychophobia.

I hated that my stupidity, particularly this time. I looked at owner, ‘I shall be off now’, I think he realized, what I am feeling right at the moment, asked- what time it is? I tried to look at the watch; my watch hasn't got minute and second lid so it was hard to guess in deem light, suddenly i turned up my mobile and I said, ‘it is half past seven.’ he wanted a company; I guessed because he said- you could stay another few minutes, it is not that late then. But I didn’t want to, I wanted escape, I started feeling panic. I made up the story now, ‘I need to finished my script by tomorrow morning and its half yet, just popped in to see how you are, so I gotta go now.’

And I ran towards the door, didn’t wait for the answer, swung open door and slammed back behind me. I looked like I was rushing and I was running from somebody, my colleague spoke as soon as she saw me, you okay baby? You look so scared and hurry, are you going to work at this time? I didn’t even look at her, I answered while I walked passed, ‘no I'm off whole week’. I didn’t even bother to stop, I came to room, inter into bathroom sat down and cried as I want. I saw myself in mirror, in that frame which was hanging onto wall, I saw myself as a witch, my body still and cold. I scared myself thinking in place of him, I scared being his near, I decided not to see him again just even in dream, I hated not being able to help him, in the way one should be doing. I opened my eyes, no way I could be in that place. I realized it was harder that the pain, the pain I am having, I have to manage all my stuffs for myself, to eat on my own, to pay school fee to myself, to speak to myself, walk alone in the parks and streets on holidays and much more.


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